There have been so many times over the last year that I've allowed myself to be treated badly. I know, I know, I can't blame myself, sometimes people are just so out for themselves, they fail to see how their actions effect others, but It all comes down to how you see yourself and what point you're willing to get to before you put your foot down and say "that's It, I'm done".
When you feel rejected, abandoned and quite frankly, just not good enough, It really is hard to not blame yourself and wonder what's wrong with you, what you did wrong, and when you feel like that, you're willing to take more than you probably would allow a friend to put up with If they were In the same situation.
I blame myself for everything, I constantly think people don't like me for things I've said, done, what other have said about me, what I post on social media, my friends, my family, I've even gone as far to think someone didn't like me because I watch Eastenders. Our biggest critics are always ourselves and I'm a massive hater.
Every time something ends the effect It has on me and my self-confidence gets worse. I start to focus on a continuously growing pattern of me falling for someone and then ending up alone for various reasons, and starting the make negative assumptions; "you're the only commonality here, something is wrong with you". I end up putting myself Into a dark place, analyzing every situation, every conversation, trying to see what I did wrong so that I have something to focus on, something I can fix to stop it happening again.
Because I feel this way about myself I try and project an alternative image, an image that I feel is more desirable, confident, driven, organised and resilient. In my mind, no one wants to be friends, or more than friends, with someone like me, so I don't want to be me around people. This however will constantly be my downfall, as I start to get close and feel comfortable around someone, the wall starts to come down and as my personality falls short of previous interactions, the sparkle disappears and they are left with the scared little girl that thinks she isn't good at anything and the only value she has is what people see on the outside.
There are people out there that just crave the attention. People that will not allow you to get over them, these people will upset you and insist they make you feel better just to boost their own confidence. They thrive on their ability to have such a massive effect on your emotions, regardless of what these emotions are. If someone really cared about you, they would give you space, give you the opportunity to process your feelings and make progress without them clouding your judgement, without giving false hope. The issue we have today Is that a conversation is a touch of a button away, we don't like to feel alone when we don't need to and although It should be friends and family we turn to when we feel down and out, we often seek a short term boost, whether that be returning to an ex or going on a date with someone new for confirmation that your still desirable.
I am yet to discover on my own this value everyone should see, I am constantly seeking someone else to encourage me to see It, and this is when I start to become dependent. When this happens It just hurts some much more when something goes wrong, you start to feel like they no longer see any value In you and thus start to feel that way about yourself. Seeking a short term fix rather than a long term resolution. You become desperate, clutching at any emotion to make you feel better and ultimately result In hitting the self-destruct button. Although It's so important to find someone to be on your team, support and help you grow, this shouldn't be the only reason your looking for someone, because you should be able to do this with or without someone by your side. When you're seeking someone to find value you'll find all the wrong kind of people, and that's when you end up getting yourself hurt and wondering what you did wrong, why you aren't enough for them, It isn't that your not enough, they just arn't looking for the same thing you are. Everyone needs to discover who they are and know their own worth in order to allow things not working out reduce you to a quivering ball of tears and harsh words.
Remember, you'll struggle to find someone that doesn't have a wobble at some point. Just because you wouldn't respond the way they have, doesn't mean they don't have their own stuff going on (It Isn't always about you or what they think of you). Sometimes, good people do bad things, but it doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them human.